Julio's Musings

A year has passed. Time is a funny thing. 2022 was simultaneously such a long year and, yet, I’m still in disbelief that it has already been a year.

Every day since my mom passed, I would think to myself: “A year ago she was still here with us. A year ago we were doing this or doing that.” And now, here I am at a point that I did not think would come so quickly. I can no longer say my mom was still here 1 year ago.

Life has been a blur since that day. To be honest, a lot of times I forget what I even did during any particular day. I worried my memory was slipping, but I eventually realized I was living a lot of days in a sort of fog.

The last time I wrote about my mom (though not in this blog that I’ve neglected for almost 4 years now), I said “It’s been seven weeks since my mom went to Heaven. I’m amazed at how quickly time has gone by since that April day while, somehow, feeling like it has stopped. Perhaps, though, it is I who have stopped.” Looking back at this, I’m not entirely sure I ever started moving again. Actually, that’s not true. I have been moving, but without a destination. Moving forward without looking around to see where I even am. Moving forward without a beacon.

For one year, I’ve had the memories of that final day seared into my mind and my dreams. Restlessness has followed me. Walking around in a haze of emotions and fear; fear of going on without my mom being there and seeing what becomes of me.

I went to the cemetery today and sat down on the grass next to my mom’s grave. I spoke to her and I contemplated what the next step would be. And, perhaps for the first time in a year, I allowed myself to see some light through the fog. A light with some hope. Even in death, my mom is still a shining and guiding light in my life; one that is shining bright like a diamond (and, yes, I definitely had Rihanna’s “Diamonds” in my mind as I wrote that last bit).

What’s next? Truthfully, I do not know. But at least, one year later, I can see the path forward. And I’m sure my mom will be there guiding me through the rest of that fog.

Some Random Notes:

1. The title of this post comes from a chapter in the game Metal Gear Solid V: The Phantom Pain. Phantom pain is the phenomenon where, when one loses a limb, they still feel the pain of that limb even though it is not there anymore.
2. That particular chapter in the game also ended up bringing up diamonds after loss of people
3. Speaking of video games, you know, they’ve really helped me this past year. I think I’ve probably played more games this past year than I have in a long time. So, thanks to all those creative minds out there that make things to help people escape into different worlds for a while! And, hopefully, nobody had to go through crunch to make them.
4. And, finally, usually when in these super contemplative moods, I have songs that I’m listening to more than others. Today’s songs are:
   • Don’t Wish Your Life Away – Jared Lee
   • Last Hope – Paramore
   • Shining Lights, Even in Death – Ludvig Forssell
   • Casper’s Lullaby – James Horner
   • You Can’t Rush Your Healing – Trevor Hall
   • Spanish Sahara – Foals