Julio's Musings

“And here we go again.” I thought that to myself a few months ago now. I could feel it coming on: that uneasiness, the loneliness, the extreme anxiety, the fear, the need to hide from life, and the thoughts of, perhaps, not needing to be here anymore. Two years after getting off anti-depressants, I was feeling a recurrence of those feelings I had that got me on them in the first place. “Maybe these feelings will go away now that I know what they are…” Unfortunately for me, they only got stronger.

The month of July was especially difficult for me. There was no defining reason for that to have been the case, but as it turns out, there does not need to be any sort of defining reason for depression to set in. Sometimes it just comes and takes a grip on your life.

And it had a large grip on my life. I didn’t reach out to my friends, i didn’t speak about it to my family, nor did I write or journal about it. I just stayed in that feeling of despair and could not get myself out of it. I was living in a space of hopelessness.

“What are your options?” This question was posed to be by one of the few people who knew what I was going through at the time. The choices ran through my mind:

• Meditate
• Go to the doctor for help
• Go for walks and calm the anxiety
• Sleep more and take better physical care of myself

All of those were fantastic options or what to really do. However, the only option that seemed to be more “real” to me in this state was along the lines of “wallowing in my own despair as nothing will make me feel better.”

But, I ended up doing the only thing I really could do: I made an appointment to see my doctor. It had been a while since I had been to the doctor anyway, so now was a good time. And, of course, the only time available was almost a month away.

In truth, when recurrence of depression comes, we do have a choice in how was react. It’s not easy to make the healthier choice for your mental health. The mind will want to wander into a space where nothing can ever be okay. But, if we can find that little part of our mind that knows all of this will pass, we will be able to make different choices. That’s, at least, what happeend with me.

Instead of listening to the voice that thought life ending was the best option, I listened to the part of me that was missing my friends. So I reached out. I didn’t really say anything regarding how I was feeling, at first. It was more about “Hey, let’s hang out. Haven’t seen you guys in a while.”

Instead of listening to the voice that thought that I was a failure because I was not doing well two years after getting off medication, I listened to the part that remembered how the meds helped and that I needed to talk to my doctor about getting back on them (which I am on again now).

Instead of listening to that voice that thought I was worthless and alone and unlovable, I decided to listen to that part of me that felt like I was someone worthwhile and filled with massive amounts of life. I felt that my existence made the days better.

It’s been 4 years since that day I was going to end it all. The biggest, and possibly most surprising lesson I’ve learned, is that despite my solitary nature, I need people. I need family. I need friends. I need people to love and I need to be loved by other people. I need to learn and grow from the stories of others and I need to be able to make an impact on the lives of others. People, as it turns out, are the light and spark of my soul.

“You’ll need coffee shops and sunsets and road trips. Airplanes and passports and new songs and old songs, but people more than anything else. You will need other people and you will need to be that other person to someone else, a living, breathing screaming invitation to believe better things.”

That quote comes from this blog post. And that sums me up pretty damn well.

Today, September 10th, is World Suicide Prevention Day. It’s also National Suicide Prevention Week. If you are struggling and feeling despair or pain or a whole range of emotions  won’t seem to stop, please know that you are not alone. You may feel alone and you may feel like all of the worst things will always be there and never end, but there is always light there. I’m not an expert by any means; just someone who has been in that deep darkness, someone who has been back into that darkness, and who has managed to come out alive and with hope. Talk to someone. Go to the ER as I did 4 years ago. Call the Suicide Prevention line. Find a spark in yourself to help you get through the waves. Whatever you feel, try to remember that you are not alone.