Julio's Musings

Over the past 8 years, as I’ve gone through various bouts of depression, I had found that one of my biggest warning signs of things getting worse was when I started noticing the view from the floor. This view has had a few incarnations:

1. The view of staring up at the same spot on the ceiling without realizing how many hours have passed
2. The view of the floor itself as I burried my head in it to hide the seemingly unending tears
3. The view of staring at the sky out of a nearby window
4. The view looking up at the kitchen counters while sitting on the floor in tears holding a knife wondering what the point of it all was

Recently (also known as a few days ago), I found myself with another view from the floor. This time it was of the wall as I stared silently for over an hour. Unable to fully think. Unable to move. Simply paralyzed on the floor, lost in the anxiety I was feeling. Lost in the sadness.

“Get up! Don’t stay on the floor like that. What’s wrong?”

The sound of concern took a while to penetrate the silence, but it came through eventually. But I did not have a complete answer to give. How do you explain the feeling of being at a crossroads? How do you explain when things that felt okay and were once happy now bring the opposite feelings? How do you explain the feeling of impending doom (which usually indicates the need to push for a change in things)?

And, so, without a real answer to give, I continued taking in the view from the floor. Wondering what was next. Wondering how I could continue to hang on by this mental thread I’m hanging by. Staring at the never changing wall.

In the past couple of weeks I’ve had tears, panic attacks, numbness, anxiety on a daily basis, irritability, fear, and an immense amount of uncertainty (to name a few things). Sometimes it seems like the universe is trying to tell me something (or my own subconscious) and I’m just not listening. Hopefully I’ll understand soon. I guess we’ll just have to see how this soul fares through it all.

Finally, here is the song that’s currently playing in my Spotify as I finish this post:

https://open.spotify.com/embed/track/4i3txPQIUV4eC9g9FBpi9I