Julio's Musings

On the day that I write this, the 16th of November, I turned 31 years old. As I approached this day, I pretty much fought myself and had a constant back and forth about what turning 31 means to me. And on the 15th of November (yesterday as I write this), I spent most of the day alone and thinking. So. Much. Thinking. I wasn’t kidding about that back and forth. My best friend can call you how I kept going back and forth with plans and thoughts and such as we were texting about it throughout the day. I’m pretty sure she was extremely irritated with me by the end of the day, too. I know I was irritated by me by the end of the day. 

I started the weekend wanting to be alone and thinking that it was best. I didn’t feel my existence deserved to be celebrated. I’m 31 years old and I don’t feel like I have anything to show for all of those years. I don’t feel like I’ve done anything that matters. And I wanted to be alone because I deserved to be alone. But, what I learned at about 9pm on the 15th was that I wanted very much to be around people. I wish I had done something for my birthday instead of fighting it. And, it’s not that I wanted to be celebrated or have the spotlight on myself. I just wanted to be with my friends; my friends that are very much my family. I wanted to be around all of those that love me. It was a strange realization for me. Throughout the night I had been pacing back and forth fighting with my own thoughts; thoughts that told me how I did not matter, how if I wasn’t around nothing would be different for anyone, how I did not deserve to have those people in my life, etc. If you’ve ever dealt with a person prone to depression such as myself, these are probably types of thoughts you’ve heard before. These are thoughts that are hard to get out of once they start, but around 9pm on the 15th I managed to get out of those thoughts long enough to wish I had acted differently. 

I shouldn’t have had those types of thoughts to begin with. People were telling me I should do something for my birthday. Obviously they cared enough to try and convince me. One friend in particular, the one mentioned above, tried so hard to help me plan something. I mean, that woman put up with a lot of crap trying to help. But I kept foolishly fighting her. Not legitimately angrily fighting, just me being amazingly stubborn. It would have been easier to just listen to her, which is usually the case in everything. You’d think I’d learn by now that she’s typically right. Hopefully she doesn’t let that go to her head when she reads this. But, anyway, my point is how could I even have those types of thoughts when I have people loving me enough to deal with my stubbornness and basically putting up with my shit?

And I woke up on the 16th and I decided, at the extreme last minute, to try and do something for my birthday. And I planned a dinner that I was pretty sure the majority of people couldn’t go to, and I tried. And some people had to change plans or rearrange times of things and they came. And it was nice to have the few of them there, but holy crap did I feel so guilty that they had to rearrange things to do so! I sat at dinner thinking how I really made a mess of the whole weekend and I felt awful. But I tried. And it ultimately wasn’t a terrible day; it just wasn’t ideal for anyone. 

I turned 31 years old and I started it out unnecessarily messy. I made it messy because it felt like it was what I deserved. I made it messy because I listened to my negativity instead of the people that love me. And I sit here writing about it and I feel sad about the whole weekend. It ended decently, but I just feel bad about it and sad. 

You know I had this thought out much differently in my mind before I started writing. I guess my real feelings are coming out as opposed to what I thought I felt. 

On the plus side I didn’t start out 31 crying like I did at the start of age 30! Speaking of which, while 30 wasn’t perfect, it wasn’t terrible. I got a new job this year, which was good. Got to gain experience doing different tech work which is fantastic. Downside is that I’m only a contractor, which sucks because I’m the type of person that needs stability in my work as opposed to being unsure if/when I’ll have work to do. But, that’s okay. I’m applying for legit employment at various places so we’ll see how that all goes. I also had to put myself back in counseling this year. My anxiety came back this year and it started causing me issues working, which sucked! I had to step back from a good opportunity I had so I could take care of my mental health. The anxiety is under control now, thankfully, though if you read my stuff above you can see I’m still a work in progress.

So what are my hopes for age 31? Well, I’d like to find more permanent employment. I’d like to do something I’ve never done before, but I’m not sure what exactly that thing is yet. I suppose I want to have an adventure! I’d also like, though I know you’re not supposed to go looking for this and all, to meet someone. It’s been over a year since I last spoke with my ex and I’m at the point of really being open to a relationship again. Hopefully she won’t be scared off if she ever finds this blog!

My final hope is this: by the time my 32nd birthday comes, I will truly see, understand, and believe in the meaning that my life has. That my birthday will come and I won’t hate it so much nor fight it so much. That I will arrive on that day more positive and optimistic and be proud of how far I’ve come.