I haven’t been able to sleep well for a few weeks now, it seems. This is not a fun thing, especially since I had worked so hard all of last year to get a decent sleeping pattern. I really hope that this changes soon because it is not making for a happy Julio (not that I’m happy, anyway).
Between the Lines
I used to have really strong dreams pretty often. Sometimes they almost seemed prophetic, it was a bit scary. Not that I saw things as they exactly happened or anything like that, but they gave me weird insights into how things would probably end up going. It’s like my brain works through all of these possible outcomes and then I dream up the most likely thing to happen, and more often than not they’ve been pretty close to reality. It’s not a black and white this is how it’s going to be type of dreams. There are always subtle nuances that I have to pay attention to. Essentially, I have to read between the lines.
Though I haven’t been sleeping all that well of late, I’ve started to have those strong dreams again. My mind is working through a loss right now, so those dreams are less prophetic and more me trying to work out the immense amount of feelings (i.e. sadness and hurt) somehow. What’s irritating about it is that I don’t work through my feelings anywhere near as quickly as I want, and I sometimes end up in this loop of going back and forth between my thoughts. I’m sure if any of you reading this could see my thoughts or dreams you’d think I was crazy.
I’m still amazed at how much I’m feeling this because I saw her departure from my life coming. I suppose I always hoped it wouldn’t end up that way, that things would work out much differently than they did. I guess when you take a leap of faith, from time to time you land pretty hard to the ground.
Speaking the Feelings Out Loud
As I look up from my computer screen, I can see the moon directly out of my window. It’s very pretty.
It makes me think, though, about those type of movies where one person is looking out of their window and up at the sky thinking about someone and then it cuts away to the other person looking up at the sky thinking about the first person. Now, I’m not dumb nor am I that much of a romantic to think that she’s looking up at the sky at this exact moment thinking about me. But, looking at the moon did make me think about her for some reason. And, so, I’m going to write out exactly what I’m thinking even though I don’t want to simply because I need to talk things out with myself and let it out. Remind me to not be so difficult with myself in the future.
I miss her a lot. I miss the odd conversations we’d have. I miss the absolute joy you could see on her face or hear in her voice when she talked about the children she taught. I miss her face in general. I miss the friendship we had developed in the mere seven months we had known each other. I miss the bond that we had. I miss the ease that we had with each other. There are many reasons why we couldn’t work as more than friends, differences that we’d probably never find a middle ground on and that caused us grief, but I still miss her very much.
Sometimes, I tell you, talking about your feelings sucks.
Peaceful Thoughts
Life isn’t all sad and complex for me. I can’t focus on all of the bad things all the time or I’d end up depressed and in need of counseling…again. Yeah, not letting that happen. Let’s focus on some positive things with the help of Animal Crossing!
Thinking isn’t always a bad thing. Sometimes being by yourself allows you to enjoy surroundings:
Other times, you can be productive while having time to think:
And, of course, there’s a time to stop the thinking and enjoy some time with friends:
Haha, okay, I’m done having fun with the screenshots I took while playing Animal Crossing. I do love that game. It can be very relaxing.
Seriously, though, there are plenty of positive things that I try to remember:
- My health is improving. Although I still have a month left in my recovery time, my body is getting stronger and I’ve been able to do more activities as the time passes. I still do get some pain here and there, but it’s never been too bad nor have I needed to take any pain meds. Usually it means I need to slow my roll a bit haha.
- My mom’s health continues to improve, which is awesome!
- I’ve been able to go for longer walks again. My longest walk thus far has been 2.83 miles, which may not sound like much, but considering I used to barely make it down my block easily, it’s a definite improvement! Hopefully in a month or two I’ll be able to start going for some short runs again.
- I’ve been able to study for the tests I’ll need to take in the near future, and it hasn’t been as difficult as I thought it would be, which I’m thrilled about because I definitely want to pass these tests!
- The Blackhawks are one win away from winning the Stanley Cup. Now, I’m not a big fan of hockey, but I do support my city’s team! I’m not some bandwagon fan that gets all super excited and starts wearing Hawks jerseys and act like I’ve been following them for ages or anything. I just like being around all the fun. We’ve been having cookouts the past couple of games and will probably do another one for tonight’s game. Should be a good time.
- When I think about my family and my friends, everyone seems to be doing well and is in pretty good health, and that’s something to always be grateful for.
Music
Okay, so the music I’ve been listening to the past few days has been mostly sad. Listening to music is another way I deal with whatever emotions I’m having, and it definitely shows with this selection of songs:
1. A Fine Frenzy – Ashes and Wine: I’ve always felt that this song is beautifully sad. It’s somber for sure and definitely can be depressing, but it also has a beauty in its sound and lyrics.
http://youtube.googleapis.com/v/gj8COjwOrUI&source=uds
http://youtube.googleapis.com/v/gj8COjwOrUI&source=uds
2. Sara Bareilles – Between the Lines: I always liked the sound of this song before I listened to the lyrics, which just made me like it more.
3. Christina Perri – Distance: I’ve used this song in a previous post, but I like it so much that it’s going to be in here again. But I’m using the version with Jason Mraz this time. I still absolutely love this song no matter what my mood is.
http://youtube.googleapis.com/v/ROqTa1mn_qc&source=uds
4. Snow Patrol – Open Your Eyes: Looking at my iTunes, I’ve apparently listened to this song 255 times since 2007. So, clearly, I’ve always liked this song. It just so happens to fit in with my current mood.
http://youtube.googleapis.com/v/fk1Q9y6VVy0&source=uds
5. Zedd ft. Foxes – Clarity: I’ve heard this song so many times on the radio lately that it just got stuck in my head and I ended up downloading it.
http://youtube.googleapis.com/v/IxxstCcJlsc&source=uds
BONUS. AWOLNATION – Sail: To show I’m not all doom and gloom, here’s another song in my head that has nothing to do with anything. I liked this song when I heard it last year, but I just started hearing it on the radio more recently. The video below isn’t the official version, but this version makes me chuckle.
http://youtube.googleapis.com/v/JaAWdljhD5o&source=uds
Sleeping Time
I wrote way more than I had intended, but on the plus side I’m actually legitimately tired now.
I don’t know what’s going to happen, but if life has taught me anything it’s that I’ll be okay someway and somehow.
Goodnight.
Julio's Musings 
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