Julio's Musings

It’s been a very long time since my last post. I got very caught up in life that I completely forgot to really write in my own blog. But, today, I definitely feel the need to write.

On Love and Loss

This first part is going to be fairly personal, and it is about love. Love and loss, actually. You see, despite my lack of desire for dating and being in a relationship, I ended up dating and was in a relationship. It was kind of a whirlwind type of romance and something that I never really felt before. You want to know the best part about how it all started? The best part is that it all started completely on accident! It’s something that I’ll never forget. I just happened to agree to go to dinner with a new friend. Now this new friend had her mind set on getting me out and dating again. I guess she felt that two and a half years was long enough for me not putting myself out there. So I went to dinner thinking she’d try to hook me up with somebody, and I was really relieved when she was there alone. Like I said, I was in the mindset of not wanting to date (even though, honestly, my stubbornness on that was wavering). Well, in the middle of what ended up being a three hour dinner, we ended up clicking and we realized that we liked each other! What a turn of events! I wasn’t wanting to date, she was wanting to introduce me to somebody else, and yet here we were on an unexpected date together.

What happened after that first date was just this kind of blur. Everything happened so quickly. The funny thing about that, though, is that it never felt too fast. In realtime it happened quickly, but it never once felt like it. I felt like I had known this woman for a long time. I was so at ease with her; so comfortable. I never felt like I had to put up a front with her; never felt like I had to hide any part of me. Now for those of you that know me, you know I tend to have my walls up and such even though I try not to. With her, though, I just never felt like the walls wanted to come up. They were always down.

I fell for her pretty quickly and easily, and it was wonderful. She is wonderful. I’ve never felt these types of feelings for anyone before, and that’s saying something. Sure I had been in love before, but this love was so different. She is one of the most fascinating and dynamic people I’ve ever met. She’s probably a little crazy, too, but there’s nothing necessarily wrong with crazy. She made me want to be more open, more spontaneous, more daring, and more adventurous. She essentially brought out the parts of me that I’ve kept dormant inside of me. It probably stems from the fact that her personality is very much opposite of mine, and so she brought out these things that my personality tends to overtake. I over think a lot of decisions, spend much too much time doubting myself, am quiet and I think out what I want to say for longer periods of time than is really necessary. And slowly those things began to change a bit (well, except maybe for the over thinking): I started believing in myself a little more and doubted my abilities less, I was finding myself actually wanting to talk and find things to tell her about, and I started to just say what was on my mind without thinking about it so much (well, okay, that one was definitely still a work in progress).

But, if you haven’t noticed already, a lot of this stuff I’ve actually put in the past tense. And that’s where the loss part comes in. Perhaps it was simply supposed to be a short whirlwind romance, I’m not sure, but right now it does appear to really be over. I won’t lie and say I’m not sad by this fact, because I am. But, I also look back and have absolutely no regrets about any of it. It was, without a doubt, one of the most amazing things I’ve ever experienced in my life. I know, I know, you guys are probably reading this and thinking I’m over exaggerating or it’s all still too fresh in my mind and as time goes by I’ll think of it differently or something. Too bad you’d be wrong to think that! It was the most happiness I’ve had in years and, no matter what happens in the future, these past few months will always be something special to me. She is someone special to me.

She will never read any of this, and that’s okay. I’m writing this to work out my own feelings. There is a big part of me that hopes it isn’t really all over. Maybe I’m being too optimistic, but I’ve always been a romantic like that (but, shhhhh, that’s a secret!). But if it really is, I hope she knows how much she has meant to me.

Some Random Things

• The job search continues, but I feel like I’m making progress. With any luck, I’ll have a job sooner rather than later.
• I actually blame my brother for putting this idea in my head, but I was considering transferring to an all online school program so I can:
• Stop worrying about having teachers available to teach my classes
• Stop worrying about having to go downtown all the time for a few hours
• Still take some classes in the coming months when some things may make it difficult for me to actually go to a classroom.
• In any case, I look forward to the day I don’t have anymore classes! Or at least feel like I’m making more progress than I am.
• Lent starts next week. Time for me to give up all the things that are fun but not good for you. Goodbye cookies and ice cream! It’s probably for the best because I’ve definitely gained like four pounds since the holidays. 
• I’m also so looking forward to warmer weather for the simple fact that I want to go running outside again! I do terribly with cold weather runs and I really dislike treadmill running. I really should just suck it up and get on the treadmill more, though.
• I just started watching that new Netflix show called House of Cards. It’s a really excellent show and I’ve been watching it whenever I’ve had free time. I’m already on episode 9 of 13. I’ll be sad when I’m done with this first season, but I’m glad to know that Netflix already plans to have a second season made.