Julio's Musings

I’ve been reminded of my mistakes lately. I’ve made many mistakes in my life. I suppose that’s true for everyone. However, being reminded of my mistakes has been making me look back to try and figure out how I could have done things different. I hate doing that. It means I end up second guessing things that I cannot change, anyway. While I don’t try to forget the lessons from those mistakes, I don’t like to dwell on them, either, which is what I have been doing today.

One of those mistakes is with school, which I have spoken about in posts before. I should have been finished many years ago, but I let so many things get in the way that I just haven’t. I’ve gotten in my way, I let others get in my way, I’ve taken a few breaks from school, and I’ve even had school get in my way. I don’t honestly know why I bother even going anymore. I wanted to quit long ago, but I kept going because it just seemed like I had to since you need a college degree to do anything meaningful career wise. I’m so horribly ashamed and embarrassed that I haven’t managed to finish yet and there are days I come home so discouraged and I just want to crawl into bed, cry, and go to sleep. I never do, though. I just keep pushing myself forward with it and I don’t know if that’s even the right thing to do, I really don’t. I just do it because I don’t know what else to do. I’m so disappointed…..I am a disappointment. I really am, and it’s a terrible feeling. I hate feeling that way and I try so hard not to feel that way, but here I am sitting at my computer feeling like that.

Along with school is that I spent too much time not working. I didn’t try hard enough to find something new and I’ve gone too long without working. I’ve gone way too long. There are a lot of things I can’t do for myself because of that, and it’s so ridiculous that I didn’t try harder to find employment. I have heard from a few employers lately, which is nice, but all of this should have happened last year. It’s another thing I’m embarrassed and ashamed of. Another in the list of my personal disappointments.

Want to know something strange? Part of me wishes I had not lost any of the weight I have lost this year. I remember when Lent started I had this goal of losing roughly 15 pounds. I figured that, if I cut some bad things out and started some exercising, that during the Lenten Season I could probably lose 7-8 pounds of those 15. And I actually lost those 8 pounds somehow in three weeks. I changed some of my eating habits and I started running more and doing some other exercises and I lost more weight beyond the 15 pound goal. It wasn’t super fast weight loss, but faster than I thought it would be. But I never got obsessed with it. I never felt compelled to count every calorie or try to run excessively or pay attention to how others are losing weight. I just ate out less, made more meals at home, didn’t eat overly large portions (well, unless my grandmother makes me…can’t say no to her haha) and just went for runs when I felt like it. But, I actually put effort into making those types of changes. I get questioned, though, about how I lost weight and, when I can’t really give a big answer or some routine, it almost gets dismissed as I must be doing things unhealthily. I suppose it’s because nobody can see what I do. Nobody really sees me make my own little meals because they don’t live with me. Nobody really sees me out running because it’s not something I like doing with others; I prefer exercising on my own because, otherwise, I’ll feel like I have to compete with the other person. But that’s how things can be more easily brushed aside, because if people cannot see it, then I guess it must mean I’m doing things wrong. It means that, even though I’ve put effort into myself, anything I’ve done doesn’t matter. Even though I had a goal for myself to lose some weight for myself, I allowed it to be diminished. I allowed myself to feel bad about it. And, now I sit here kind of wishing I hadn’t done any of it at all.

I suppose I am just too sensitive. This would not surprise me. I’ve always been a sensitive person.

I didn’t write this to get attention, though I suppose if some read this I may get some attention. A couple of years ago I learned that I am the type of person that needs to say things out loud from time to time, otherwise I will hold it in and it will eat away at me. Basically, I have to take care of my mental well being because I’m the only person that can. And this is one of the ways I learned how to. I did not list all of the things that are on my mind about myself, but I don’t actually need to. This is just what came out as I was typing.

Knowing me, though, I’ll probably totally regret posting this tomorrow!