Julio's Musings

This post is a bit off. It’s a lot of thoughts put together in sentences that may or may not make sense and may or may not even fit together. I’m leaving it as it is, though.

“Nothing can bring you peace but yourself.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson

I am struggling. I sit awake writing this post because I have been struggling.

I have become lazy. I’m not lazy in the I-don’t-want-to-do-anything sense. I am lazy in that I simply have been lacking motivation, or, more accurately, in inspiration. I don’t feel inspired to do anything. For me, that makes it harder to feel like I have some sort of fulfilling life or purpose.

I wrote in my birthday post that I discovered, finally, how to be a happier person. It’s true, I have learned how to be that person. The problem is, it is so incredibly hard for me to be that person. It’s become an easier thing for me over the past year, but it is still work for me in a way. 

I have learned a lot of things about myself. One of those things is that there is, and possibly always will be, this part of me that contains negativity; a part that tells me I cannot or should not be happy. Dexter would call this a “dark passenger.” Kelly Clarkson would call this my “dark side.” Whatever you call it, it’s a part that is contrary to the happier side. Before I went to therapy last year, this part was so dominant in me; almost like it was its own being. I know now that it was just me hating myself too much.

“There’s a place that I know. It’s not pretty there and few have ever gone. If I show it to you now, will it make you run away?” – Dark Side, Kelly Clarkson

But that darkness remains a part of me that I fight off every day. Some of those days can be a struggle…

I struggle from a lack of success. I know that sentence is incredibly broad, but I wrote it that way because I don’t even know what I want to be successful in right now. It goes back to inspiration. What can I succeed in? What drives me to succeed in that? What’s the point?

I struggle with it, and at times I want to quit trying to be successful or finding success, but then what would be the point in that? If I want to find this success I am looking for, I have to keep going and searching for it.

“There is only one key to success: never quit until you win. It may require a lot of changing, but you can do it. The seed of greatness lies within you. Nurture it, and there will be nothing you can’t do.” – Lisa Marie Yost

“Always believe that you will ultimately succeed at whatever you do, and never forget the value of persistence, discipline, and determination. You are meant to be whatever you dream of becoming.” – Edmund O’Neill

I struggle with positivity. Clearly. I am a more positive person than I used to be. Well, I mean about myself. I was usually pretty positive when it came to others. But, I still struggle remaining positive with things involving myself. It’s tough. Sometimes I still feel like I can’t handle the randomness life throws at me. I don’t know why I feel that way, though, because I’ve managed to handle that randomness pretty decently. I guess it’s that dark side I spoke of above; that side that has so many doubts if I’ve even become a better person.

Yet, I’m pretty sure that I have become better. There are times when I can feel it so strongly inside of me. Sometimes I think you can even see it in my eyes. But even though it has improved, that positive side needs to be out even more!

“Live by your own light. Shine by your own star. Do what you always wanted to do with your life. Envision the gift that you are. Climb up the hills of your hopes and dreams. Take whatever steps you need to take. You can’t get to the top if you don’t try, and it’s a journey you should definitely make.” – Douglas Pagels

I struggle with love. You can’t look for it, they say, because it generally finds you. I want it so badly, though. When it isn’t corrupted by pain and jealousy and sorrow and lies and negativity, love is such an amazingly beautiful thing. You could even call it inspiring. I miss that kind of love. I miss having that kind of love in return. It’s been so long since I have had that; so many years. I often wonder if I’d even recognize it when/if it showed up again. I’m not so sure. But, man, do I want that again. I want to love someone and be loved by someone; to want someone to spend lots of time with, to have someone to help me grow and for me to help her grow, someone I would one day want to marry and have a family with. I struggle because I want it more than I thought. I struggle because, no matter how much I grow individually, I have this part of me that I can’t do anything with because it’s missing someone else.

I was once told that life is a struggle, but it is one that can be overcome. I was also told to read this poem if I was ever in doubt of that:

“You have so much to offer, so much to give, and so much you deserve to receive in return.

Don’t ever doubt that.

Know yourself and all of your fine qualities

Rejoice in all your marvelous strengths of mind and body

Be glad for the virtues that are yours, and pat yourself on the back for all your many admirable achievements.

Keep positive.

Concentrate on that which makes you happy, and build yourself up.

Stay nimble of heart, happy of thought, healthy of mind, and well in being.”

– Janet A. Sullivan

So, where do I go from here? I guess I will just end this post with this:

“Begin each day by focusing on all that is good, and you’ll be in a position to handle whatever comes along.” – Linda E. Knight

It’s a simple statement, but perhaps it holds some truth to it. Maybe I should seek my inspiration in the good.