Julio's Musings

For now we see through a glass, darkly; but then face to face: now I know in part; but then shall I know even as also I am known. – 1 Corinthians 13:12

I understand what this verse is speaking about in the Biblical sense, but for the purpose of this post, I’m actually using it to describe myself. Though they have finally calmed down a bit this week, my dreams (or should I say nightmares) have been incredibly vivid and filled with many things I haven’t understood. Now that they have subsided, I have started to see that those nightmares have represented a part of me that I wasn’t seeing clearly at all. The dreams, were, in essence, like looking in a mirror; a reflection that was cloudy and hard to make out.

All of my fears were encompassed in this dreams; dreams that, at times, I couldn’t even wake up from. The fear would always keep me trapped inside, almost feeling malevolent at times, as if something wanted me to stay trapped in this world. Sounds very A Nightmare on Elm Street-ish, doesn’t it? Well, at times even Freddy Krueger would be there trying to capture me. Not all of my dreams were like that, though. Most of them didn’t involve a psychotic killer trying to disembowel me. The other dreams seemed quite normal, really, but they dealt with all the things I have been avoiding; things that I simply didn’t want to deal with.

Mirrors are tricky things. The main problem with mirrors is that we aren’t always looking at them through clear eyes. We see what we want to see, finding things we can nitpick at and the things we don’t see as being perfect or as we want them to be. The nightmares I’ve been having have been filled with these types of things; all the things I’ve been doing wrong or trying to forget or trying to wish away. I have basically been trying to hide, but my subconscious wouldn’t let me.

Running ‘round trying to figure out now where you put your smile down; you can’t let them see you like this. Thinking what mask you’re gonna front you grab the nearest one; you take your place. Amongst these faceless others. Underneath the surface everything’s so backwards. It’s all a lie. Run away. Save yourself, let it go. It’s too late. I’m losing you. You’re fading. – Fading, Kelly Clarkson

I’ve been hiding from my fears behind a mask in hopes that, perhaps, those things would just go away. I look in the mirror that is my dreams, however, and I can still see the reflection of what I had been avoiding. In the process of figuring out what all of these dreams/nightmares have meant, I’ve been overlooking the very simple solution to ending them. The solution, the only solution, actually, was to simply face everything. Face my fears. Had I done that at the outset of these nightmares, then they wouldn’t have lasted for several weeks. I was being a coward, too scared to do anything because I didn’t want to fail or disappoint or screw anything up. It took me a bit too long to understand that.

What once was a cloudy mirror is much more clear. I know what must be done and I know that I need to take some risks and just do things. I need to stop fearing failure because, if I keep down that path, I will surely end up failing. 

I look at the mirror and the solution is right in front of me. The solution is me.