Julio's Musings

“Cold in the summer breeze. Yeah, you’re shivering on your bended knee. Still, when your heart is sore and the heavens pour like a willow bending in the storm, you’ll make it.” – Hope for the Hopeless, A Fine Frenzy

Fear. Uncertainty. Doubt. These are things we’ve all dealt with and will deal with again at some point in our lies. It’s part of human nature, I suppose. We all have our demons and fears that are hard to defeat. 

The biggest fear for most people has to do with change. People fear change because it leads to uncertainty, and nobody really likes feeling uncertain. Will this be a good change? Should I be making this change at all? Why must things change at all? It’s all something we get to go through, though, since change is inevitable. Nothing can stay the same forever, and we all know how boring things would be if they did.

The hardest things to change are within ourselves. It’s hard to change the inner things that make life a little more difficult for us. It could be stubbornness, pride, regret, or, as I mentioned before, just plain fear. When things go badly, do you go back into your bubble and protect yourself from the world? What about when what you want is finally there for the taking? Do you again hide in your bubble out of the fear of the change it would bring?

“Running against the wind, playing the cards you get, something is bound to give.” – Hope for the Hopeless, A Fine Frenzy

I’ve managed to do both of those things in my life. There are times when things just got me so down that I didn’t want to keep pushing forward. It felt like I was being dumped on and I really didn’t think I’d make it through it. Such is the pain of inner turmoil. Now, a year removed from the start of that turmoil, I find that a lot of the things I want in life are within my grasp and there is a huge part of me  that wants to hide from what it means. It’s not even as if I have huge life changing events happening right now. Really, it’s simply realizing that there’s finally progress in my life. For so long I felt horribly stuck and like nothing was moving, but now it’s as if the wheels of my life are finally starting to roll. I’ve been still for so long that this movement scares me.

What’s helped getting to this point of feeling progress was facing my biggest demon, which is whatever sort of emotional imbalance I have. I am prone to sadness and anxiety. At one point I thought it was part of my past, but as it started appearing again about two years ago, I realized that it is actually a part of me. It isn’t something that will be gone forever. It’s something that I will always have in me and something that I must always work on. Understanding that is what’s given me the ability to move forward and get to this point where I can finally make some progress in my life. I suppose, really, understanding that was when the progress started.

“Like an apple on a tree, hiding out behind the leaves, I was difficult to reach, but you picked me.” – You Picked Me, A Fine Frenzy

Part of this post was going to be about figuring out what I’d want from a relationship. It’s interesting, really. I started writing this on Sunday and could not figure out where to go with it (or why I even started writing it), but then this topic actually came up on Monday with a friend and I figured out what it was I wanted to say. I am definitely to the point of being emotionally ready for a relationship. That’s part of the progress I’ve made. Don’t get me wrong; I am perfectly happy and content being single right now. In fact, I’m enjoying the peace it has brought me. I’m also not actively looking for a relationship. But, if the opportunity came, I’m ready to take up the challenge of meeting someone and learning about them. I’ve said this before, but I have such calm and peace inside of me that it actually feels right, now.

The only problem I really have with the whole idea, well, actually I have two problems. First, I’m poor. Looking for a job, sure, but currently without one and therefore poor. Relationships can be pricey! I’m not looking for a “sugar momma” and I certainly despise not being able to pay for things. I suppose that’s a bit of a “macho” type thing, but it is what it is. I may be in tune with my emotional side and I may have two female best friends, but I’m still a man. Even if my significant other is super independent and likes paying for things too, I’d like to at least have the ability to do it, too.

Secondly, and this one is all my own crazy mind, but I’m just so shy. I was just told a couple of days ago that I wasn’t really that shy, but I feel like I am. How can one pursue someone when he has a hard time even talking to a new person? It’s not something that I want to be, but I’ve just always been that way. And what’s the problem with shyness other than obviously not being able to really talk to someone? It makes you look weak and uninteresting. It definitely does not exude confidence!

“Larger than lifesize we become great in the eyes of someone.” – Lifesize, A Fine Frenzy

So that’s part of my next goal, I suppose. Stop being so shy and open myself up more to the opportunities of the opposite sex. Whenever I do manage to find someone, I just hope she simply accepts all of me, crazy emotions and all. I hope that it will be someone who can see goodness and greatness in me. I hope this person brings out the good sides of me and not the anxious sides. And I hope that I can have a mutual trust with this person where we don’t have to worry about either of us looking for someone else to be with. I just want simple. I know relationships are complicated and all sorts of things test them, but the basics should be simple. I love you. You love me. We both know that we love each other. No questioning that. Simple.