Julio's Musings

NOTE: This post is going to be about my spirituality and dealing with God. I know a lot of people don’t believe in God or have different or varying beliefs. That’s fine with me. I never care what others believe. If talking about God or spiritual beliefs bother you, then simple skip this post. This is just about my growth in this part of life that is important to me. It’s not something I talk about much or really like to talk about in general. My spirituality has always been a personal thing, but today I feel like writing.

Learning is such a hard process sometimes. I guess it’s like all things that are good for you. You can go through life not learning anything because it’s hard, but doing so causes the mind to stagnate and, eventually, to die. It’s like anything, really. Things that are good for you are either hard or taste really bad most of the time. You just have to push through and deal.

I’m now going through the second part of my whole growth process. The first part was learning to care about myself and to end the hate. That was super important. The second part is just as important to me, and that is repairing my spirit. This is repairing it in both the calming/peaceful/spiritual “zen” type of way where you feel part of the world on some deeper level and also spiritually in the more Biblical sense. In many ways, for me, these go hand-in-hand. I had lost that type of peace for a long time, but now I’m getting it back.

For a while last year I had stopped going to church. It wasn’t a dislike for it or anything, but at that point in time it didn’t seem like the place I should be. I wasn’t sure if the church I had been going to was really my “home” church. It was a church I had gone to because my friend went there and was involved there. It was always a nice place, but it always seemed like it was more her church than mine. I guess I never got out of that way of thinking. When she left, I was uncomfortable with going there. I wasn’t sure I belonged.

With that being said, I had to take a different approach to my spirituality. Typically when one doesn’t feel well emotionally and spiritually, they would go to church more and perhaps even discuss the issues with a priest/pastor. However, since I was unsure of where I belonged, this wasn’t the best option for me. And so I started doing something that I had stopped doing: I prayed. It’s not as if i had stopped praying for years or anything, but I guess enough time had gone by for it to feel as if I hadn’t done it in forever.  This was the beginning of repairing my spirit.  

As months went by, I was more comfortable with myself and my praying ability. I know that seems a bit silly. Praying is essentially just talking to God, so you shouldn’t feel like you’re good or bad at it. But I felt as through I needed improvement in what I prayed for is really what it was. As I got better emotionally, I had a better grasp as to what I really needed and what I was grateful about. As my outlook on myself improved, so did my ability to pray about the things that really mattered.

As far as church goes, I decided to return to that church that I had been going to. I still am not completely sure if it’s my home or where I should be, but for the time being it seems it’s where I need to be. I haven’t gone back to an every Sunday schedule yet (due to some latent fear of returning and other things, such as this past Sunday when I was so exhausted from not really sleeping at all Friday into Saturday that I completely overslept until 1:30pm…oops), but it will come in time. 

I am also working on refining my own belief system. I know what I’ve been taught and believe regarding God/Christ and all, but now I’m doing my best to get a better grasp and understanding of it all. I’m trying to improve upon what I already feel and know. I’ve been doing this a lot by observation of others, listening to their beliefs and how they act them out in their lives. I’ve also been getting help from my dear friend Sara with some of the things I’m not necessarily understanding as well as I would like. She’s been kind enough lately to field my questions and thoughts about a lot of these things with patience and kindness, so I thank her for that.

I’ve grown up Catholic and I’ve learned a lot through my Catholic faith. It’s not perfect; no religion can be perfect since they are all led by man. We are all imperfect beings. Even so, the Catholic church is the church I feel at home in. I guess the reason I can go back to that particular Parish is because, as I am reminded of more lately, the building is not that church, but the people are. It doesn’t matter where you worship. What matters is that you are surrounded by wonderful and supportive people that you can learn from and grow with. I’m not one who screams and jumps and raises their hands in joyous celebration; that’s just not my style. I’m more quiet and reserved in my worship, finding my own peace of mind and calming place where I can feel God. That doesn’t mean I’m aloof and don’t pay attention to all those around me. It’s always been a personal thing for me, and still is in many ways. But I know that others are important to the process, too.

I’m on a path to regain my spirituality. I understand more every single day on this part of my journey. I learn from those who believe, I learn from those who are unsure, and I learn from those who don’t believe. I have loved ones who fit into those three distinctions, and they all continue to teach me things all the time. My greatest gift from God is that I have such amazing people around me that have supported me constantly throughout the years and have helped me grow in mind and spirit. I am very grateful that they all are with me on this journey.