Julio's Musings

The sun will come up, cover my eyes tip over my head afraid of the light. – Kelly Clarkson, After the Love

That lyric has been in my head today (8/23) for reasons unknown. And so since I had some time to kill, I decided I’d go for an extended walk.

It was a fairly typical walk along the trail. I have found that it’s nice and peaceful during the day which can be helpful when sorting out thoughts. And what did I discover?

Ever have the feeling that you are steady and okay but the various worlds around you are a bit shaky and crumbling a bit? No? Yeah, I wouldn’t be surprised if that’s just me. For months I basically hid from the world in some overly protective measure. I’d put my head down, shield my eyes away, and just do my best to get through the day. I did everything I could to hide from the light.

So, again, what did I discover? I discovered that my thoughts and concerns aren’t even about me anymore, but about most everyone around me. I wouldn’t have felt this way months ago.

Now, though, I feel like I’m starting to get my senses back; like my sense of touch, taste, smell, sight, and hearing are all working properly again. My intuition is starting to get back on track. It was a gradual process that I didn’t even really notice, but I’m not hiding much anymore. I’ve gone back into the sun and no longer keeping my head down. I’ve let its warmth hit me. I can feel everything around me again, which while good is also a bit sad because I didn’t realize how long it’s all been gone until now.

To my dear family and friends: I’m sorry I was gone for so long. Though I’ve been around physically, I haven’t been around mentally or emotionally. For that I do apologize. You have all been incredibly understanding and I can never thank you all enough. I am back now, thankfully. Whether you need an ear to simply listen, advice for a problem, a shoulder to cry on, or a rock to help hold you steady, I am now ready to be any or all of those things for you. I am better enough and stable enough to be there for all of you. I’m sorry that I wasn’t before; that I was caught up in my own little worries and that I stopped really paying attention to what was going on. But, again, I’m around now. Just say the word and I’ll be there.

This post did not at all go where I intended it to. I guess I now know what was really on my mind. And now you do too.